Michael McIntyre's Funniest Jokes


Here it is! It was difficult, but somehow we managed to do it...it's our Top 10 favourite Michael McIntyre jokes! 

If you've not snapped up your Michael McIntyre tickets for his September shows yet, then what are you waiting for? Get 'em now!

1. On books...
"A good book is called a page turner. Surely that is the minimum you expect from any book."

2. On celebrity diets...
"This story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ‘'new physique'’ on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt."

3. On babies...
"See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: 'Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face'."

4. On disturbing a woman's lie-in...
“There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”

5. On Valentine's Day...
"Just last week I wrote 'I still love you. See last year's card for full details.'" 

Mm (2)

6. On his child's first words...
"I've got a little baby, I made him... He doesn't speak, he's 2... He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words.. .car and map... I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!" 

7. On British people...
"British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards."

8. On traffic...
"Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!" 

9. On drawers...
"All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to it’s usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”... Yes I think you can... good this will be my man drawer!!"

10. On heavy snow in Britain...
“Normally you have news, weather and travel... but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.”